1 00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:10,063 Uh.... what's happening right now? Max, are you smoking crack? 2 00:00:10,230 --> 00:00:14,154 It's not crack, it's lipstick. I can afford crack. 3 00:00:14,321 --> 00:00:19,039 I'm at the end of my lipstick, I can't afford a new one, so I'm going all breaking bad. 4 00:00:19,206 --> 00:00:21,961 Breaking bad? We're more like broke and sad. 5 00:00:22,128 --> 00:00:27,012 You're free-basing lipstick and look: This heel is starting to wobble. 6 00:00:27,180 --> 00:00:29,351 Here, stick this in and hold it. 7 00:00:29,518 --> 00:00:33,568 I swear I've said that before, but I don't think it was about shoes. 8 00:00:34,319 --> 00:00:36,448 Yo. Doll face! It's been 10 minutes. 9 00:00:36,615 --> 00:00:39,288 His chowder and my spaghetti. Where's the food? 10 00:00:39,454 --> 00:00:42,544 Where's the food? Where's your neck? 11 00:00:43,629 --> 00:00:46,760 I wasn't listening, i was looking at your boobs. 12 00:00:46,927 --> 00:00:51,312 Well, I do what I can, but they'll never be as big as yours. 13 00:00:51,478 --> 00:00:56,614 - Pick up. Meatball. - Hey, hot stuff, where's the hot stuff? 14 00:00:56,780 --> 00:00:59,620 Max, you were right. The heel is much more... no. 15 00:00:59,786 --> 00:01:02,626 No, wait. No, it's not... it's gonna... 16 00:01:04,003 --> 00:01:06,634 Those are the biggest balls those guys have had in their laps... 17 00:01:06,842 --> 00:01:08,429 since they started steroids. 18 00:01:22,870 --> 00:01:26,290 I can't believe you masking taped a shoe to your leg. 19 00:01:26,460 --> 00:01:30,300 I know, but these are Christian Louboutins, and even all busted up like this... 20 00:01:30,470 --> 00:01:33,260 they still have the classic red bottoms. 21 00:01:33,430 --> 00:01:35,690 You know what else has red bottoms? Baboons. 22 00:01:35,850 --> 00:01:38,770 You walk around with a couple of them on your feet and I'm impressed. 23 00:01:39,650 --> 00:01:41,990 Well, at least you can't see those stupid bows. 24 00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:46,040 Who puts bows on their shoes? What's the gift, your stinky feet? 25 00:01:46,210 --> 00:01:49,840 You don't think I hate the bows? I bought these as an impulse purchase. 26 00:01:50,010 --> 00:01:52,260 I didn't know I'd be shackled with them for eternity. 27 00:01:52,470 --> 00:01:54,390 [Knocking on door] 28 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:04,620 Oh, Caroline, i never noticed you had a club foot. 29 00:02:04,780 --> 00:02:08,080 I would have set you up with my brother. 30 00:02:08,250 --> 00:02:11,300 - I broke my shoe in the diner. - Oh, I can help. 31 00:02:11,470 --> 00:02:14,470 I always carry my gym shoes in my bag. 32 00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:19,650 I'm sorry they're so conservative, but the weight room is a real meat rack. 33 00:02:19,810 --> 00:02:21,110 Sophie, that's so sweet. 34 00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:23,280 I still have still have one pair of my own shoes. 35 00:02:23,450 --> 00:02:25,490 Oh. Take them just in case. 36 00:02:25,700 --> 00:02:29,420 You should take them, you'll make 20 bucks just walking to work. 37 00:02:29,580 --> 00:02:31,550 And some of your mail mixed with mine. 38 00:02:31,710 --> 00:02:34,010 This is the third time that mail lady did that. 39 00:02:34,220 --> 00:02:36,140 All right, nightie night. 40 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:41,530 Max, you will not believe what just came addressed to you. 41 00:02:41,730 --> 00:02:43,700 Let me explain. I am not a scientologist. 42 00:02:43,860 --> 00:02:47,540 I went that one time because I heard some rich guy was looking for a wife. 43 00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:50,460 No, we've been pre-approved for a credit card. 44 00:02:50,630 --> 00:02:52,880 What? How the hell did we get pre-approved? 45 00:02:53,050 --> 00:02:56,050 It says all we have to do is go online and apply... 46 00:02:56,260 --> 00:02:58,890 and we can be approved in under two minutes. 47 00:02:59,060 --> 00:03:02,320 Slow down, quasimodo, i can't have a credit card. 48 00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:06,870 Someone gave me a bag of cookies once and I ate the entire thing without breathing. 49 00:03:07,030 --> 00:03:09,580 You're not a child anymore, you have more discipline. 50 00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:12,840 The cookies were yesterday. 51 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:15,590 Okay, what is that thing? What is that spinning wheel? 52 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:18,430 - It's just processing our application. - No, it's not. 53 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:20,560 It's finding out everything about us. 54 00:03:20,730 --> 00:03:23,440 Now it's finding out your dad stole millions of dollars. 55 00:03:23,610 --> 00:03:26,410 Now it's finding out I got fired from eight dairy queens. 56 00:03:26,570 --> 00:03:29,950 Now it's finding out why I got fired from eight dairy queens. 57 00:03:30,580 --> 00:03:33,500 Oh, my god. Max, we're approved! We've just been approved! 58 00:03:33,670 --> 00:03:37,550 What? What is wrong with them? Does dairy queen report nothing? 59 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:40,940 - Get back on there and disapprove us. - Okay, calm down. 60 00:03:41,100 --> 00:03:42,810 We need this card for our business. 61 00:03:42,980 --> 00:03:45,820 All we have to do is communicate about every purchase. 62 00:03:45,990 --> 00:03:47,780 Keep an open dialogue. 63 00:03:47,950 --> 00:03:53,130 So opening dialogue, for our business, i would like a pair of Louboutins. 64 00:03:53,290 --> 00:03:55,590 Opening dialogue, no. 65 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:58,220 And I felt stupid miming that. I hate the arts. 66 00:03:59,100 --> 00:04:01,810 Look, you can't get everything you want. 67 00:04:01,980 --> 00:04:03,770 I would like a box of lizards. 68 00:04:03,940 --> 00:04:07,490 Love lizards, always have. You don't see me putting that on a credit card. 69 00:04:07,700 --> 00:04:10,290 I need a new pair of shoes for business meetings. 70 00:04:10,450 --> 00:04:13,750 You know, dress for the job you want, not the job you have. 71 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:17,510 Okay, fine. If you're getting the shoes, then I'm getting what I want. 72 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:20,930 I hope you're happy with an apartment full of lizards and lipstick. 73 00:04:21,100 --> 00:04:24,060 Also, some of those lizards will be wearing lipstick. 74 00:04:28,450 --> 00:04:32,080 Earl, you are looking particularly gorgeous this evening. 75 00:04:32,250 --> 00:04:35,250 Well, I would say, "don't flatter me," but let's face it... 76 00:04:35,460 --> 00:04:38,340 everything came together tonight. 77 00:04:38,510 --> 00:04:41,010 Is it another woman? Should I be filled with anger? 78 00:04:41,180 --> 00:04:43,180 I mean, more than I usually am. 79 00:04:43,350 --> 00:04:45,980 I just wanted to look nice for my son when he comes in. 80 00:04:46,150 --> 00:04:48,570 What? No way, I'm gonna meet your kid? 81 00:04:48,740 --> 00:04:51,200 Well, one of them. 82 00:04:51,370 --> 00:04:55,000 - One of them? How many do you have? - So far? 83 00:04:55,500 --> 00:04:58,470 - Oh, Earl. I love you. - This is my son Darius. 84 00:04:58,630 --> 00:05:01,680 He's the number one Chrysler salesman in all of Detroit. 85 00:05:01,850 --> 00:05:06,310 And he's my very favorite, if he's the one I'm thinking of. 86 00:05:07,650 --> 00:05:10,870 - Excuse me, but aren't you Max? - Of? 87 00:05:11,030 --> 00:05:14,160 - Max's homemade cupcakes! - Aah! 88 00:05:14,330 --> 00:05:17,380 Earl, look. Our credit card came in the mail today, see? 89 00:05:17,550 --> 00:05:22,260 "Max black." No more using the card I found at six flags. 90 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:27,440 Thank you for never checking your statement, Agnes chin. 91 00:05:28,190 --> 00:05:32,070 Girls, take my advice and be very careful with that thing. 92 00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:36,460 Credit cards are more trouble than a priest at a wiggles concert. 93 00:05:36,630 --> 00:05:38,460 - Yes, Earl. - Yes, Earl. 94 00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:41,300 I can't believe it, a credit card for our business. 95 00:05:41,470 --> 00:05:43,680 So when are we getting the shoes and lizards? 96 00:05:43,850 --> 00:05:46,390 Max, remember, we have to be grownups about this. 97 00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:51,610 Of course. Two lizards, please. No, make it three. 98 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:54,950 Hi, I'm looking for Earl. 99 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:58,460 And, no, I'm not here to return a bag of skunky weed. 100 00:05:58,630 --> 00:06:01,470 Oh, my god, I am so excited to see you. 101 00:06:01,630 --> 00:06:04,260 Come on in, I'll take really, really good care of you. 102 00:06:04,430 --> 00:06:09,310 Oh, you need to know I just separated from my wife, so I'm a little vulnerable. 103 00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:11,610 She's not usually this nice to customers. 104 00:06:11,780 --> 00:06:16,080 She's just excited, she's about to come into some lizards. 105 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:21,840 Yeah, again, I've been out of the dating pool for a while... 106 00:06:22,010 --> 00:06:25,600 so everything sounds like a sexual innuendo to me. 107 00:06:26,390 --> 00:06:30,690 He is not a customer. Look at him. Don't you see the resemblance? 108 00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:35,740 Oh, my god, is he your father? 109 00:06:37,290 --> 00:06:39,670 Yes, he is my father. 110 00:06:39,830 --> 00:06:43,220 And my mother is a piece of chalk. 111 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:46,140 Daddy! 112 00:06:46,310 --> 00:06:50,810 Thank god, it is the one I thought. There's my little boy! 113 00:06:51,230 --> 00:06:52,360 Ah-ha-ha-ha! 114 00:06:53,670 --> 00:06:56,880 So, Darius, what was Earl like as a dad? Must have been great, huh? 115 00:06:57,050 --> 00:07:02,440 I bet he packed the coolest lunches. A joint for recess and a gin-and-juice box? 116 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:06,070 Oh, yeah, yeah, he was a great dad. I mean, he was always there. 117 00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:11,500 Except for my childhood. Ha-ha-ha. You gotta laugh. Ha-ha-ha. 118 00:07:11,710 --> 00:07:14,460 Earl is sitting right there. 119 00:07:14,630 --> 00:07:18,800 Oh, it's a joke. Take it easy there, fun size. 120 00:07:18,970 --> 00:07:22,060 Han, take no offense, he's just pulling your leg a little. 121 00:07:22,230 --> 00:07:26,070 Darius has always been funny. Or am I thinking about Terrance? 122 00:07:26,230 --> 00:07:27,950 Oh, no, I'm the funny one, dad. 123 00:07:28,110 --> 00:07:30,490 I don't recall there being a Terrance in our family. 124 00:07:30,660 --> 00:07:33,460 But I don't know how far you've thrown your seed. 125 00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:36,000 Ha-ha-ha. You gotta laugh. 126 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:38,590 Do you? 127 00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:42,230 Darius was voted the funniest salesman at the Chrysler dealership. 128 00:07:42,390 --> 00:07:44,690 Yes, I was. And that's why I quit my job. 129 00:07:44,850 --> 00:07:46,820 To pursue my dream to become a comedian. 130 00:07:46,980 --> 00:07:49,240 [Laughing] 131 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:53,790 See? See? He's funny. Always making jokes. 132 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:55,580 That's not a joke, daddy. 133 00:07:55,790 --> 00:07:57,960 No, no, that's why I'm in town. 134 00:07:58,130 --> 00:08:00,430 To audition at the comedy club tomorrow night. 135 00:08:00,590 --> 00:08:05,440 Already got my stage name: Darius the hilarious. 136 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:09,320 - I think it's a good choice, right? - Is it? 137 00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:14,160 Well, obviously, big d, we will all be there to support you. 138 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:17,000 Will we? 139 00:08:17,170 --> 00:08:19,920 Hold up, Darius, how did all of this happen? 140 00:08:20,090 --> 00:08:23,270 Well, I mean, I knew a guy at Cadillac who knew a guy at Toyota... 141 00:08:23,430 --> 00:08:26,860 who knew a guy at Subaru who sold the club owner a dodge. 142 00:08:27,020 --> 00:08:30,950 Then he hit a kid with it. The kid should've dodged. Ha-ha. 143 00:08:31,110 --> 00:08:32,620 You gotta laugh. 144 00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:36,370 There's a dead kid in the mix and we gotta laugh? 145 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:42,350 It's not his fault he's not funny, we put his sense of humor on a high shelf. 146 00:08:43,100 --> 00:08:46,390 Hey, Max, you know, daddy always told me you were special. 147 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:47,650 And now I see it. 148 00:08:47,810 --> 00:08:50,820 And it's not just because you think everything I say is funny. 149 00:08:50,990 --> 00:08:52,320 You feel like family. 150 00:08:52,490 --> 00:08:57,380 I do? Oh, I always wanted a brother who was a brother. 151 00:08:57,540 --> 00:09:01,010 [Laughing] 152 00:09:01,170 --> 00:09:04,310 Max, do you expect me to wait on all the tables tonight? 153 00:09:04,470 --> 00:09:07,980 Well, I am kind of in the middle of my family reunion right now. 154 00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:13,110 - And where is Mr. hilarious' soup? - Look at blondie here. 155 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:17,080 She's like, "oh, my god, do black people even eat soup? 156 00:09:18,580 --> 00:09:20,090 It's, like, whatever." 157 00:09:21,130 --> 00:09:24,090 That is a dead-on Caroline. 158 00:09:24,260 --> 00:09:25,970 Is it? 159 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:30,860 Here are the order tickets from tonight. 160 00:09:31,030 --> 00:09:33,740 This pile is for the people who found hair. 161 00:09:34,530 --> 00:09:36,870 These are the hairs that the people found. 162 00:09:38,670 --> 00:09:43,470 You sound Russian. That's funny because you're not "rushin'" to make my soup. 163 00:09:43,930 --> 00:09:46,310 No, no, no, I'm kidding there, man, I get it. 164 00:09:46,510 --> 00:09:49,690 You're just too busy back there not putting on deodorant. 165 00:09:49,850 --> 00:09:53,570 - Ha-ha-ha. You gotta laugh. Ha-ha-ha. - Do you? 166 00:09:55,820 --> 00:09:59,580 Max, I might be crazy, but now I feel like the heel on this shoe is starting to... 167 00:10:01,670 --> 00:10:06,470 Gosh. I gotta go wipe this down. You know, i was gonna wear this for my audition. 168 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:08,930 - And that's gotta go well. - Yes, it does. 169 00:10:09,100 --> 00:10:13,030 Because, son, there are two jobs in Detroit, and you just quit one of them. 170 00:10:13,690 --> 00:10:17,200 Don't worry, daddy, I'll make you proud. All right? You'll see. 171 00:10:17,370 --> 00:10:20,870 Daddy's been wrong before. He didn't think I could make it on soul train. 172 00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:25,590 There I was, in the bottom left corner on the soul train. 173 00:10:29,100 --> 00:10:30,180 [Laughing] 174 00:10:30,350 --> 00:10:33,610 - I feel so terrible. - We have to buy him a new shirt. 175 00:10:33,780 --> 00:10:37,280 Max, I've made $7 so far, we can't afford to buy him a shirt. 176 00:10:37,450 --> 00:10:41,250 We can go shopping for a reasonable shirt. We have to, he's family. 177 00:10:41,420 --> 00:10:46,630 Is he? And I have to say, i don't like that brand of put-down humor. 178 00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:49,350 That blond stereotype? I don't even say "whatever." 179 00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:51,770 But, you know, it's fine. Whatever. 180 00:10:57,740 --> 00:11:02,960 Max, slow down. I can't walk any faster in Sophie's giant sneakers. 181 00:11:03,170 --> 00:11:06,130 I can't believe she benches 250 in these. 182 00:11:07,220 --> 00:11:10,850 Oh, my god, my hand just touched the subway floor. 183 00:11:11,020 --> 00:11:13,560 How do I know someone didn't pee here? 184 00:11:13,730 --> 00:11:16,690 Oh, honey, I've peed here. 185 00:11:16,860 --> 00:11:18,990 This is New York, it's made of pee. 186 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:22,670 And pee hand is what you get for refusing to wear flat shoes. 187 00:11:22,830 --> 00:11:25,210 No way. I'm living close to the gutter as it is. 188 00:11:25,380 --> 00:11:27,630 I can't risk being any shorter. 189 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:30,600 Here's where we're meeting Darius. Subway style. 190 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:34,100 Every time I walk by this place i wonder who would ever shop here. 191 00:11:34,270 --> 00:11:36,150 Now I know. Us. 192 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:39,160 First, my heel breaks and now I'm shopping underground. 193 00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:42,500 How much lower can I get, brunch on the earth's core? 194 00:11:45,500 --> 00:11:48,680 Mm. Oh. Excuse my mouthful. 195 00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:53,560 Mm. I wasn't expecting ladies. We usually just sell to pimps and pastors. 196 00:11:54,270 --> 00:11:56,320 What can I help you dolls with? 197 00:11:56,480 --> 00:12:00,070 We're here meeting a friend. We're gonna help him pick out a shirt. 198 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:03,620 That guy. He's already in the dressing room trying one on now. 199 00:12:03,790 --> 00:12:09,550 Now, listen, if the price is too high, you and I can negotiate. 200 00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:12,470 Or you. 201 00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:16,500 I still can't believe we're using our tip money to buy him a shirt. 202 00:12:16,780 --> 00:12:20,540 We're only gonna spend, like, $40. And you heard the man, it can go down. 203 00:12:20,710 --> 00:12:22,920 If you go down. 204 00:12:23,130 --> 00:12:27,430 Oh, hey, ladies, there you are. Look, I switched it up a bit. 205 00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:30,480 You like me in pink? My boyfriend does. 206 00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:31,770 [Chuckles] 207 00:12:31,940 --> 00:12:34,690 He says it makes my cheeks look rosy, all four of them. 208 00:12:34,860 --> 00:12:37,950 Ha-ha-ha. You gotta laugh. You gotta laugh. 209 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:42,250 Darius, we're family, so I'm just going to tell you like it is. 210 00:12:42,420 --> 00:12:44,420 That material feels a little funky. 211 00:12:44,590 --> 00:12:46,930 That kind of humor might have worked at Toyota... 212 00:12:47,090 --> 00:12:50,060 - It's Chrysler. - Whatever. But this is New York. 213 00:12:50,220 --> 00:12:52,900 There are a lot of people, be them gays or blonds... 214 00:12:53,060 --> 00:12:57,360 who might take offense to that. I mean, I don't, but whatever. 215 00:12:57,530 --> 00:12:59,120 Oh, no, no, I was just playing. 216 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,790 That's not the kind of stuff I'm gonna do in my act. 217 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:04,540 No, I wrote some real jokes with a comic back home. 218 00:13:04,710 --> 00:13:07,760 He's Jewish, so you know it's gonna be funny and not cheap. Ha-ha. 219 00:13:07,930 --> 00:13:12,690 - Again, see, that's the kind of stuff... - Caroline, come on, it's so wrong it's right. 220 00:13:12,850 --> 00:13:14,360 I have the jokes right here. 221 00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:16,940 Let's take them on a test drive, see how they do. 222 00:13:17,110 --> 00:13:21,370 All right? So back it up, ladies, you're going to need some laughing room. 223 00:13:21,540 --> 00:13:24,080 - This is gonna be hilarious. - Okay. 224 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:26,500 Anybody here have a smart car? 225 00:13:26,670 --> 00:13:30,050 Because I don't think it's smart to drive half a car. 226 00:13:31,260 --> 00:13:33,440 [Fake-laughing] 227 00:13:34,020 --> 00:13:37,900 That was new. I'll keep working on it. All right, let's try another one. 228 00:13:38,070 --> 00:13:41,240 You know what? Maybe we weren't back far enough. 229 00:13:41,410 --> 00:13:46,040 Yeah. Yeah, that feels funnier already. Right, Caroline? 230 00:13:46,210 --> 00:13:51,010 All right. You know who doesn't drive a smart car? Smart people. 231 00:13:51,180 --> 00:13:52,680 They don't do it. 232 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:55,190 [Fake-laughing] 233 00:13:55,350 --> 00:13:58,690 You gotta laugh. Ha-ha. Seriously, you got to. 234 00:13:58,860 --> 00:14:00,320 I got a lot riding on this. 235 00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:07,920 I just got it. Ha-ha-ha. Oh, my god, he stinks. 236 00:14:08,550 --> 00:14:11,220 He stinks on ice. Darius is gonna bomb tonight. 237 00:14:11,390 --> 00:14:13,520 And worse, he's gonna bomb in front of Earl. 238 00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:17,310 And Earl's pretty sure that's the son he's most proud of. 239 00:14:17,980 --> 00:14:19,860 You're right, what are we gonna do? 240 00:14:20,030 --> 00:14:23,080 Now, I know you lovely ladies came in for a shirt... 241 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:27,460 but can I interest you in a nice suit? Look at this one. It's a classic. 242 00:14:27,630 --> 00:14:31,130 You can't get this color aboveground. 243 00:14:31,300 --> 00:14:34,390 That's it! Darius needs a suit. 244 00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:37,730 All the professional comedians wear suits, and like you said... 245 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,880 you have to dress for the job you want. 246 00:14:40,050 --> 00:14:44,770 And with jokes like that, he needs the funniest suit they have. 247 00:14:44,940 --> 00:14:47,530 Do you got anything from the Sinbad collection? 248 00:14:47,690 --> 00:14:49,820 I do. 249 00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:53,450 Max, I don't think the suit's gonna be enough. 250 00:14:53,620 --> 00:14:57,340 I think he needs something else. You know, like a puppet. 251 00:14:57,500 --> 00:15:01,890 A puppet? That's exactly what he needs. 252 00:15:04,710 --> 00:15:09,470 I went out with a guy last night, asked me if we could go Dutch. 253 00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:14,940 I said, "i don't know, what's Dutch for 'cheap-ass bitch'?" 254 00:15:15,100 --> 00:15:16,940 [All laughing] 255 00:15:17,570 --> 00:15:20,780 You kick him to the curb! 256 00:15:20,950 --> 00:15:24,580 We'll be right back, because momma's gotta go put her feet up. 257 00:15:25,250 --> 00:15:27,880 Miss? Can we get another round when you get a chance? 258 00:15:28,050 --> 00:15:29,800 - Another round? - Keep them coming... 259 00:15:29,970 --> 00:15:32,970 till we can no longer see. Put it on my card. 260 00:15:33,140 --> 00:15:36,560 - You got it. - Man, that feels good every time. 261 00:15:36,730 --> 00:15:41,990 Hey, Max, just because you're buying me drinks doesn't mean I'm going to put out. 262 00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:46,880 Ha-ha-ha. My celery stick is my microphone at the comedy club. 263 00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:48,090 [Laughing] 264 00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:51,130 I'm here. I'm here. 265 00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:54,930 - Did you get the puppet? - Oh, I got the puppet. 266 00:15:55,850 --> 00:15:57,980 [Laughing] 267 00:15:59,860 --> 00:16:01,110 Ah-ah-ah. 268 00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:02,530 [Knock on door] 269 00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:04,620 Hey, come on in. 270 00:16:05,330 --> 00:16:10,050 Hey, girls, how you doing? Darius the hilarious is pumped. 271 00:16:10,210 --> 00:16:14,720 I'm totally in my zone right now. And I can't miss in this suit. 272 00:16:14,890 --> 00:16:16,940 - Well.... - Well.... 273 00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:19,570 Darius, that's what we wanted to talk to you about. 274 00:16:19,730 --> 00:16:22,740 You know we're big fans. You're amazing, your act's incredible. 275 00:16:22,910 --> 00:16:24,280 You're Darius the hilarious. 276 00:16:24,450 --> 00:16:28,630 - Max and I love the smart car stuff. - It's hilarious, per your name. 277 00:16:28,790 --> 00:16:32,220 But, well, it is New York. Not a lot of people are smart or have cars. 278 00:16:32,380 --> 00:16:34,720 You know New York, not exactly the cutting edge. 279 00:16:34,890 --> 00:16:36,810 After Max and I left, we had a thought. 280 00:16:36,980 --> 00:16:38,350 We got you a puppet. 281 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:44,490 And, yes, I was stoned, but Caroline was laughing just as hard as me. 282 00:16:45,330 --> 00:16:48,250 - You got me a what? - A puppet. We got you a puppet. 283 00:16:48,420 --> 00:16:52,050 - But I don't use a puppet. - Until you do. 284 00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:56,060 - Just imagine. At the end or the beginning... - Or all the way through. 285 00:16:56,220 --> 00:16:58,690 "Ladies and gentleman, Darius the hilarious... 286 00:16:58,850 --> 00:17:03,570 and his partner, Justin beaver." 287 00:17:05,530 --> 00:17:12,050 Damn, girl. And I mean dam as in, I built one. Ha-ha-ha. 288 00:17:12,210 --> 00:17:16,050 And you don't even have to be funny, Justin beaver does the work for you. 289 00:17:16,220 --> 00:17:17,810 Show him, Max. 290 00:17:19,230 --> 00:17:22,070 I'm straight. Ha-ha-ha. 291 00:17:23,530 --> 00:17:25,530 - You gotta laugh. - You gotta laugh. 292 00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:27,790 Do I? 293 00:17:28,830 --> 00:17:32,300 I mean, honestly, making fun of Justin beaver's sexuality... 294 00:17:32,460 --> 00:17:34,470 i find that a tad offensive. 295 00:17:39,810 --> 00:17:43,320 This next act comes to us from the motor city. 296 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:47,240 Please give it up for Mr. Darius the hilarious. 297 00:17:47,410 --> 00:17:49,960 [Cheers and applause] 298 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:54,840 All right. How's everybody doing tonight? 299 00:17:55,150 --> 00:17:56,900 Who out there has a smart car? 300 00:17:57,070 --> 00:18:00,410 Because I don't think it's smart to drive a half a car. 301 00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:03,040 You gotta laugh. Heh-heh. 302 00:18:03,290 --> 00:18:05,290 [Fake-laughing] 303 00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:09,640 Oh, no. I ran out of fake laughter. 304 00:18:09,850 --> 00:18:13,060 Yeah, I mean, a smart car, have you seen this thing? 305 00:18:13,230 --> 00:18:16,690 It's like you're driving around in a backpack. 306 00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:19,700 You gotta laugh. 307 00:18:19,870 --> 00:18:24,830 Do we? Why don't you have a smart car write some jokes for you? 308 00:18:26,420 --> 00:18:29,220 Yeah, well, I can see why you would defend the smart car. 309 00:18:29,380 --> 00:18:31,930 It's the only car your feet can reach the pedals in. 310 00:18:32,100 --> 00:18:34,940 [Crowd laughing] 311 00:18:36,820 --> 00:18:40,200 That's so true, he's very short. 312 00:18:41,530 --> 00:18:45,630 As is the car. It all lines up. 313 00:18:45,790 --> 00:18:51,260 Look at this gray-haired scrub, man. Apparently black do crack. 314 00:18:51,430 --> 00:18:55,440 Hey, Don King called, said he want his whole head back. 315 00:18:57,150 --> 00:19:00,450 Max, look. Look how proud Earl is. 316 00:19:00,610 --> 00:19:03,500 Hey, hey, hey, blondie. You mind not talking till I finish? 317 00:19:03,660 --> 00:19:06,120 Wait, you're probably just thinking: "Oh, my god! 318 00:19:06,290 --> 00:19:10,680 Shoes, shoes, hair brush, shoes." 319 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:14,140 Oh, my god, i actually was thinking about shoes. 320 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:20,610 I'm sorry, there's a problem with your card. It's been declined. 321 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:31,370 Max, Darius told me what you did, and that was awful nice of you. 322 00:19:31,540 --> 00:19:37,090 Now, here. I'm reimbursing you for all of the clothes and for that damn puppet. 323 00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:40,690 Although I swore i would never pay for beaver. 324 00:19:41,770 --> 00:19:43,610 Do you think he'll ever make it, Earl? 325 00:19:43,780 --> 00:19:46,360 Who's to say nowadays, Max? 326 00:19:46,530 --> 00:19:49,870 America's got talent? Do they? 327 00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:55,380 All I know is he's my kid and you went out of your way to try and help him. 328 00:19:55,550 --> 00:19:57,590 Well, I just wanted you to be proud. 329 00:19:58,350 --> 00:20:01,640 I am, Max. Very proud. 330 00:20:05,030 --> 00:20:10,330 I just talked to visa. I think they were disappointed they had pre-approved us. 331 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:17,220 Look. I killed it. I had to. It was telling me to buy a Harley. 332 00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:21,820 Okay, open dialogue, I used the credit card for one more thing yesterday. 333 00:20:21,980 --> 00:20:24,240 Open dialogue, so did I. 334 00:20:24,950 --> 00:20:28,290 - It's the fanciest lipstick payless had. - Aww.... 335 00:20:28,460 --> 00:20:30,130 And here. 336 00:20:30,290 --> 00:20:32,050 Max, are there lizards in that bag? 337 00:20:32,210 --> 00:20:34,470 I wish. 338 00:20:36,390 --> 00:20:39,770 They're as good as new, and no bows! 339 00:20:39,940 --> 00:20:42,150 Max, where'd you find a cobbler? 340 00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:46,950 A cobbler? I took a time machine. 341 00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:51,380 I was supposed to kill Hitler, but I thought your shoes were more important. 342 00:20:51,540 --> 00:20:55,010 - Okay, let's cut up your card. - We should keep one for emergencies. 343 00:20:55,180 --> 00:20:58,430 We have to put it someplace where we'll never be tempted to reach. 344 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:02,780 - Oleg, would you put this down your pants? - No problem.